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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Went
Lobotomy
Woman
Derek
Make
Surgeon
Like
Surgeons
Surgery
Plastic
Gave
Asked
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan Rivers
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
