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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Hilarious
Sailing
Surgery
Plastic
Misery
Pay
Happiness
Money
Yacht

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
Joan Rivers
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
Joan Rivers
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
Joan Rivers
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Joan Rivers
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
Joan Rivers
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers