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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Misery
Pay
Happiness
Money
Yacht
Hilarious
Sailing
Surgery
Plastic
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Joan Rivers
I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
Joan Rivers
I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
Joan Rivers
old age' is always ten years more than we are.
Joan Rivers
Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
