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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Misery
Pay
Happiness
Money
Yacht
Hilarious
Sailing
Surgery
Plastic

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
Joan Rivers
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
Joan Rivers
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
Joan Rivers
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
Joan Rivers
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers