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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Faces
Times
Tucked
Inns
Holiday
Fashion
Face
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
Joan Rivers
That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
Joan Rivers
I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
Joan Rivers
