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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Faces
Times
Tucked
Inns
Holiday
Fashion
Face
More quotes by Joan Rivers
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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