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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Fashion
Face
Faces
Times
Tucked
Inns
Holiday

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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Better laid than never.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers