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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Fashion
Face
Faces
Times
Tucked
Inns
Holiday

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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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