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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Underwear
Breasts
Wearing
Wouldn
Fashion
Real
Would
Lisa

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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers