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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Fashion
Anyone
Getting
Nightgown
Sheer
Memorable
Sexy

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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
Joan Rivers
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
Joan Rivers
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Joan Rivers
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
Joan Rivers
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
Joan Rivers
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
Joan Rivers
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
Joan Rivers