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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Squandered
Grandson
Fund
Mad
College
Fashion
Going
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Joan Rivers