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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Fund
Mad
College
Fashion
Going
Squandered
Grandson
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Joan Rivers
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
Joan Rivers
You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers
Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
Joan Rivers
I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
Joan Rivers
Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
Joan Rivers
Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers