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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
College
Fashion
Going
Squandered
Grandson
Fund
Mad
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
Joan Rivers