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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Adopted
Sat
Cried
Daughter
Told
Mother
Really
Time
Melissa
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
