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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sat
Cried
Daughter
Told
Mother
Really
Time
Melissa
Adopted

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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
Joan Rivers
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
Joan Rivers
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
Joan Rivers
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers