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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Died
Birth
Parents
Parent
Heard
Cousin
Ever
Parenting
Like
Motherhood
Hated

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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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Can we talk?
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers