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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Parent
Heard
Cousin
Ever
Parenting
Like
Motherhood
Hated
Died
Birth
Parents

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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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Better laid than never.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers