Quote

A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Says
Study
Makes
Menopause
Two
Owning
Thought
Rescue
Firsts
Aging
First
Younger
Years
Dog

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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Never floss a stranger.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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