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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
Might
Comedian
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
Joan Rivers
