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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
Might
Comedian
Must
Admit

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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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