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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
Might
Comedian

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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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