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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Might
Comedian
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Never admit that your back goes out more than you do
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers
