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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
Might
Comedian
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits

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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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