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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke
Might
Comedian

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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Joan Rivers