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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Might
Comedian
Must
Admit
Never
Aging
Nervous
Jokes
Alzheimer
Getting
Hits
Tell
Memorable
Best
Joke

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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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Better laid than never.
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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