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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Chickens
Cook
Cooks
Aging
Lemon
Life
Lemons
Spray
Pledge
Chicken

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Every television show you go on is a choice.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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Never floss a stranger.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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