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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Life
Lemons
Spray
Pledge
Chicken
Chickens
Cook
Cooks
Aging
Lemon

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
Joan Rivers
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Joan Rivers
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Rivers
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers