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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Spray
Pledge
Chicken
Chickens
Cook
Cooks
Aging
Lemon
Life
Lemons

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In life the only thing that you can expect is the unexpected the only surprise is a day that has none.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Age - it's the one mountain you can't overcome.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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