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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Marry
Dating
Mom
Mother
Transvestite
Transvestites
Wardrobe
Double
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Joan Rivers
Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Joan Rivers
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
Joan Rivers
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
Joan Rivers
I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
Joan Rivers
I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
Joan Rivers
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
Joan Rivers
