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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Transvestites
Wardrobe
Double
Marry
Dating
Mom
Mother
Transvestite

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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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