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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Crying
Comedian
Aging
Cry
Five
Age
Streep
Different
Accents
Funeral

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
Joan Rivers
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
Joan Rivers
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
Joan Rivers
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Joan Rivers
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Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
Joan Rivers
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
Joan Rivers
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
Joan Rivers
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
Joan Rivers
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers