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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Aging
Cry
Five
Age
Streep
Different
Accents
Funeral
Crying
Comedian

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Having a baby can be a scream.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
Joan Rivers
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
Joan Rivers
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
Joan Rivers
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers