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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Pedicures
Breasts
Memorable
Aging
Lows
Age
Time

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
Joan Rivers