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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
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Pedicures
Breasts
Memorable
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
Joan Rivers
You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
Joan Rivers
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Joan Rivers
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
Joan Rivers
I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
Joan Rivers
Self-pity shortens your life.
Joan Rivers
Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
Joan Rivers
Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
Joan Rivers
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
Joan Rivers
I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
