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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Going
Chin
Chins
Pardon
Thanksgiving
Saws
Age
President

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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Can we talk?
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers