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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
President
Going
Chin
Chins
Pardon
Thanksgiving
Saws
Age

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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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