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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Saws
Age
President
Going
Chin
Chins
Pardon
Thanksgiving

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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Having a baby is definitely a labor of love.
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you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I said Justin Bieber looked like a little lesbian -- and I stand by it: He's the daughter Cher wishes she'd had.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers