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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Chins
Pardon
Thanksgiving
Saws
Age
President
Going
Chin

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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