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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
President
Going
Chin
Chins
Pardon
Thanksgiving
Saws
Age
More quotes by Joan Rivers
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
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Al Roker said I am 80 years 'young' it's like saying Al Roker is 320 pounds 'thin'.
Joan Rivers
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
