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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Older
Gift
Went
Age
Wrapped
Feel
Underwear
Feels
Automatically
Memorable
Sexy

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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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I love the way my life has fallen into place.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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