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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Gift
Went
Age
Wrapped
Feel
Underwear
Feels
Automatically
Memorable
Sexy
Older
More quotes by Joan Rivers
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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My breasts are so low, now I can have a mammogram and a pedicure at the same time.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Joan Rivers
