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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Feels
Automatically
Memorable
Sexy
Older
Gift
Went
Age
Wrapped
Feel
Underwear

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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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