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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Feels
Automatically
Memorable
Sexy
Older
Gift
Went
Age
Wrapped
Feel
Underwear

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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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I’m never without a bandage.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Why should I cook for my husband? So he can tell a hooker I make a delicious cake?
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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