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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Gift
Went
Age
Wrapped
Feel
Underwear
Feels
Automatically
Memorable
Sexy
Older

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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
Joan Rivers