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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Takes
Least
Age
Woman
Three
Years
Men
Memorable
Birthday
More quotes by Joan Rivers
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
Joan Rivers
