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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Years
Men
Memorable
Birthday
Takes
Least
Age
Woman
Three
More quotes by Joan Rivers
My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
Joan Rivers
My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
Joan Rivers
I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers
I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
Joan Rivers
