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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Men
Memorable
Birthday
Takes
Least
Age
Woman
Three
Years
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan Rivers
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
Joan Rivers
The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
Joan Rivers
I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers
Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
Joan Rivers
I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
Joan Rivers
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
Joan Rivers
The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I’m never without a bandage.
Joan Rivers
With age comes wisdom. You don't need big boobs to be feminine. Look at Liberace.
Joan Rivers
I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
Joan Rivers
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Rivers
As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Joan Rivers
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying.
Joan Rivers
