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When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Men
Memorable
Birthday
Takes
Least
Age
Woman
Three
Years
More quotes by Joan Rivers
I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers
