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My mother could make anybody feel guilty - she used to get letters of apology from people she didn't even know.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Even
Letters
Make
Anybody
People
Mother
Didn
Apology
Used
Parenting
Feel
Motherhood
Feels
Humorous
Children
Guilty
More quotes by Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
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I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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Better laid than never.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
Joan Rivers
I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
Joan Rivers
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
