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Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Name
Names
Funny
Much
Adore
Life
Dating
Witty
Husband
Trust

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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: More than just a great place to die.
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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Self-pity shortens your life.
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
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I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers