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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Loved
Stage
Worst
Happened
Vomited
Tell
Projectile
Someone
Ran
Ever
Horrible
Thing
Forward

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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
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That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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Never floss a stranger.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
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I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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