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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Worst
Happened
Vomited
Tell
Projectile
Someone
Ran
Ever
Horrible
Thing
Forward
Loved
Stage

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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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I think it's time they knew the truth about Beethoven.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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