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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Happened
Vomited
Tell
Projectile
Someone
Ran
Ever
Horrible
Thing
Forward
Loved
Stage
Worst

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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
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If two people want to get married, get married! The Victorians had a great saying: As long as it doesn't scare the horses, do what you want. And I absolutely believe that.
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if you don't think that all life is improvisation, then you haven't been paying attention. Life is what happens to you while you're making other plans.
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I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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My face has been tucked in more times than a bedsheet at the Holiday Inn.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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Never floss a stranger.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Better laid than never.
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I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
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