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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Stage
Worst
Happened
Vomited
Tell
Projectile
Someone
Ran
Ever
Horrible
Thing
Forward
Loved

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My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
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I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Better laid than never.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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