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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Tell
Projectile
Someone
Ran
Ever
Horrible
Thing
Forward
Loved
Stage
Worst
Happened
Vomited

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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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There is nothing funny about aging: It is rotten and depressing. Anyone who tells you otherwise just hasn't been paying attention.
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I was smart enough to go through any door that opened.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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Joan Collins told a reporter that she hasn't had plastic surgery come on... she's had more tucks than a motel bedsheet!
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'
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I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.
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Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
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to maintain success, stamina is more important than talent. You have to learn to be a marathon runner.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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One of the most rebellious things a woman can do is allow people to think she’s mean.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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