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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Happiest
Stage
Thing

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Why should a woman cook? So her husband can say 'My wife makes a delicious cake' to some hooker?
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Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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Oprah Winfrey is so powerful that she had the Rapture postponed until after her final show airs.
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
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A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
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Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
Joan Rivers