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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sarah
Take

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Happiness, at my age, is breathing
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I am a dyke! And I'm damn proud of it!
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I think actual death will be a lot easier than dying on stage. Cause - you know - if you do [actual death] right, you can go looking good. Maybe with a little quip [like]: 'I loved everybody.' But dying on stage...Oh, God!
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I felt a comedy ego beginning to grow, which gave me the courage to begin tentatively looking into myself for material.
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Everyone needs a facelift, except if you are from Brooklyn then you need a nose job !!!
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Something terrific will come no matter how dark the present.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
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As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'
Joan Rivers
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
Joan Rivers
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Self-pity shortens your life.
Joan Rivers