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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sarah
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More quotes by Joan Rivers
I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
Joan Rivers
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.
Joan Rivers
I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
Joan Rivers
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
Joan Rivers
Don’t worry about the money. Love the process.
Joan Rivers
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
Joan Rivers
I'm racist? How can that even be possible? I was a friend of Michael Jackson's back when he was black.
Joan Rivers
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
Joan Rivers
A woman went to a plastic surgeon and asked him to make her like Bo Derek. He gave her a lobotomy.
Joan Rivers
That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.
Joan Rivers
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
Joan Rivers
How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
Joan Rivers
Can we talk?
Joan Rivers
