Quote

Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.

Joan Rivers

Change background

T
T
T

Change font

TAGS & TOPICS

Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sarah
Take

More quotes by Joan Rivers

Image
My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers
Image
Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
Joan Rivers
Image
keep moving. It's hard for old age to hit a moving target.
Joan Rivers
Image
Money can't buy you happiness but it can pay for the plastic surgery.
Joan Rivers
Image
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
Joan Rivers
Image
On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
Joan Rivers
Image
I don't think I'm good in bed. My husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.
Joan Rivers
Image
Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
Joan Rivers
Image
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
Image
Welcome to my world! I've been through it all, and I often pinch myself to believe my luck. I design jewlery, create cosmetics, perform comedy, act, lecture, write books, travel, have a fabulous daughter, and a phenomenal grandson-and I feel I'm the luckiest woman on the planet.
Joan Rivers
Image
I caused my husband's heart attack. In the middle of lovemaking I took the paper bag off my head. He dropped the Polaroid and keeled over and so did the hooker. It would have taken me half an hour to untie myself and call the paramedics, but fortunately the Great Dane could dial.
Joan Rivers
Image
Show business can be an addiction. ... An audience would laugh at me one night, and I would chase that high for another three months.
Joan Rivers
Image
God always comes up with a third act twist -- and we won't know until we die whether the play was a comedy or a tragedy.
Joan Rivers
Image
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
Image
Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
Joan Rivers
Image
I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
Joan Rivers
Image
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
Image
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers
Image
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Joan Rivers
Image
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
Joan Rivers