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Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sarah
Take
More quotes by Joan Rivers
The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
Joan Rivers
I don't mind aging, I just don't want to be a day older.
Joan Rivers
Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
Joan Rivers
I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
Joan Rivers
You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
Joan Rivers
I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers
I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
Joan Rivers
Never floss a stranger.
Joan Rivers
No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Joan Rivers
I was my own buddy in camp.
Joan Rivers
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Joan Rivers
Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
Joan Rivers
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Joan Rivers
I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
Joan Rivers
I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.
Joan Rivers
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers