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I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Tried
Beginning
Look
Looks
Good
Think
Fey
Thinking
Tina
Hadn

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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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Can we talk?
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
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The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
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All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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Two is company three is fifty bucks.
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On her daughter Melissa: The only time she really cried is when I sat her down and told her that she was not adopted.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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Travel is the excitement of life! Everything is an adventure, and if you look at it like that, even at the worst moment you can say: 'We will laugh tomorrow about this.' And you do.
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My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.
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I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
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My earliest childhood memory was watching my parents loosen the wheels on my stroller.
Joan Rivers