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Every television show you go on is a choice.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Television
Choices
Show
Shows
Every
Choice
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Joan Rivers
I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
Joan Rivers
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
Joan Rivers
What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
Joan Rivers
Two is company three is fifty bucks.
Joan Rivers
My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
Having a baby can be a scream.
Joan Rivers
I'm a double bagger. Not only does my husband put a bag over my face when we're making love, but he also puts a bag over his head in case mine falls off.
Joan Rivers
My sex life has gone from bad to pathetic. My G spot stands for godforsaken.
Joan Rivers
Nothing is yours permanently so you better enjoy it while it's happening.
Joan Rivers
To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
I love Israel for its blue and white flag as it matches my legs.
Joan Rivers
I once dated a guy so dumb he could not count to 21 unless he was naked
Joan Rivers
you have to do more than just kill time or time will quickly kill you.
Joan Rivers
I was the last girl in Larchmont, NY to get married. My mother had a sign up: Last Girl Before Freeway.
Joan Rivers
Better laid than never.
Joan Rivers
When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.
Joan Rivers
Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
Joan Rivers
