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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Elizabeth
Taylor
Chins
Telephone
Telephones
Chinese
Directory

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Joan Rivers
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You don’t marry for love. What does love got to do with marriage? I spit on love and marriage. You marry for money.
Joan Rivers
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
Joan Rivers
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The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I've been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.
Joan Rivers
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I know now that everybody in the arts is forever a beginner. Experience counts for a great deal and very little. Every night onstage I feel I am starting from scratch, still not quite sure what I am doing and where I am going, thrown by the simplest thing that goes wrong.
Joan Rivers
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
Joan Rivers
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I am not lucky. I am the type who would go to Lourdes and drown in the waters.
Joan Rivers
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That baby is so ugly... I've never seen a six-month-old so desperately in need of a wax.
Joan Rivers
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Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
Joan Rivers
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
Joan Rivers
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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
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My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, pick up, I know you're there.
Joan Rivers
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
Joan Rivers
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
Joan Rivers
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You're college graduates now, so use your education. Remember: It's not who you know, it's whom.
Joan Rivers
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
Joan Rivers
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
Joan Rivers
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
Joan Rivers
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
Joan Rivers
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I wouldn't go over here to Lisa Rinna and I would say 'Are those breasts real, are you wearing underwear?'
Joan Rivers