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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Groups
Humor
Audience
Routines
Funny
Audiences
Come
Unhappiness
Therapy
Total
Group

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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When my husband Edgar and I were courting, he said he couldn't wait to have a baby. It was only after we were married that he changed his mind and decided that I should have the baby.
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[When told that her grandchild had her nose:] I didn't get this nose until I was thirty-four.
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All Angelina Jolie wants to do is do good for people. And she was saying to me: If I could just make one person happy, Joan, I'll die satisfied. I said: Easy! Just give Jennifer Aniston back her husband.
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You’re going to get what I think is the truth, and it’s going to be raw.
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If you don't go to Broadway, you're a fool. On Broadway, off Broadway, above Broadway, below Broadway, go! Don't tell me there isn't something wonderful playing. If I'm home in New York at night, I'm either at a Broadway or an Off Broadway show. We're in the theater capital of the world, and if you don't get it, you're an idiot.
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Acting is my true love. I would like to have been a serious actor, and I plan to in the next life. I'm gonna be Meryl Streep Rivers.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
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A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don't want to go through menopause again.
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I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.
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I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
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When you can laugh at yourself no one can ever make a fool of you.
Joan Rivers
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Can we talk?
Joan Rivers
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
Joan Rivers
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The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
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Last night I asked my husband, 'What's your favorite sexual position?' and he said, 'Next door.'
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Dogs are easier to love than people they're certainly more dependable. Once they love you, that's it. A true friend in life is a dog.
Joan Rivers