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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Groups
Humor
Audience
Routines
Funny
Audiences
Come
Unhappiness
Therapy
Total
Group

More quotes by Joan Rivers

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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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To the pessimist the light at the end of the tunnel is another train.
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No more Botox for me. Betty White's bowels move more than my face.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.
Joan Rivers
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I've learned to have absolutely no regrets about any jokes I've ever done.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Joan Rivers
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.
Joan Rivers
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I can't like watching Project Runway with Heidi Klum. There's just something wrong about a German woman saying who goes and who stays
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My parents hated me. All I ever heard was, Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Why can't you be like your cousin Shelia? Shelia had died at birth.
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With this face, I need all the deals I can get.
Joan Rivers
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Never buy a fur from a vegetarian.
Joan Rivers
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Self-pity shortens your life.
Joan Rivers
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old age' is always ten years more than we are.
Joan Rivers
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What I love about jewelry is you can change it for something else without surgery.
Joan Rivers