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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sleep
Easy
Melissa
Tell
Shreds
Mother
Ripped
Kids
Wake
Used
Daughter
Back
Birth
Years
Respect
More quotes by Joan Rivers
Anger is a symptom, a way of cloaking and expressing feelings too awful to experience directly - hurt, bitterness, grief and, most of all, fear.
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Girls just want to have fun. Well, so do old ladies!
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Gay marriage, I am so against it because if all my gay friends get married, it will cost me a fortune in gifts.
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I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade.
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You know why I feel older? I went to buy sexy underwear and they automatically gift wrapped it.
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My grandson is mad at me. He's mad at me because I squandered his college fund on Spanx. It's a lot, but there's a lot going on here.
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How to fool yourself into feeling younger: When you go to restaurants, always check a coat and a skateboard.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played Here Comes the Bride.
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my cousin Shirley, who never complains, screamed and screamed when she was having her baby. True, this was just during conception.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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I have no sex appeal and it has screwed me up for life my gynecologist examines me by telephone.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny. And when you're very, very happy, you're not very funny. You're just happy. I'd rather be damaged and funny.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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I think we obviously need health care. Of course we need health care, but I think that it's gone too far the other way, and I don't understand it. It's gotten so complicated. The minute they made a deal with the drug companies, you know something isn't kosher here.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it...Everyone gets so upset about the wrong things.
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I hate reality shows that are not reality.
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Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
Joan Rivers