Quote

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Years
Respect
Sleep
Easy
Melissa
Tell
Shreds
Mother
Ripped
Kids
Wake
Used
Daughter
Back
Birth

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If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
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It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
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Some women take up the law and become lawyers. Other women lay down the law and become wives.
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I saw what's going on under my chin. I don't want to be the one the President has to pardon on Thanksgiving.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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Learn what not to expect. Irish catholic they get sh**** little rings. Irish women get crappy rings. Baptist get the worst because they get the rings under water. When it comes up, it's garbage. Jewish, big rings. Episcopalian big rings. Italians-the best, because they get them off of dead people, and second wives get the biggest rings of all.
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My daughter refuses to call me mother in public my little grandson calls me Spongeslob Squarebottom, and nobody else ever calls me at all.
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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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A German sense of humor is an oxymoron.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.
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I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
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I have no methods. All I do is accept people as they are.
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I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'
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The only street I like is Rue Honore de Balzac, because 'Balzac' sound so gay, and I love my gays. I might like Parisians more if they named their streets only for gay icons, like Rue Liza Minnelli or Rue Bette Midler or, my favorite, Rue McClanahan.
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If you don't want gays in the military, make the uniforms ugly.
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I wear the midi because I feel if you're going to look ugly, you may as well look this year's ugly.
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