Quote

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.

Joan Rivers

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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Sleep
Easy
Melissa
Tell
Shreds
Mother
Ripped
Kids
Wake
Used
Daughter
Back
Birth
Years
Respect

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I enjoy life when things are happening. I don't care if it's good things or bad things. That means you're alive.
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I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.
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I have so little sex appeal that my gynecologist calls me sir.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Never floss a stranger.
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I was absorbing a sorry truth of show business - rejection is the norm and acceptance the oddity. I was learning to cut the tops off my highs and stay with the lows where the rejections and letdowns would be shallow.
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I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
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I was so flat I used to put Xs on my chest and write, 'You are here.' I wore angora sweaters just so the guys would have something to pet.
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Having a baby can be a scream.
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Life is hard. And we better laugh at everything, otherwise we're going down the tube.
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Valentine's Day is different for old people. At this age I receive chocolates in boxes shaped like artificial hearts.
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Whatever you do to recover from a loss, people will be critical because they believe that the only way to recover is their way. And you will even run into some people who should be run into by rhinos because they actually don't want to see you get over your tragedy at all grief is a spectator sport for them.
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Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
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At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.
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The psychic scars caused by believing that you are ugly leave a permanent mark on your personality.
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Elizabeth Taylor was so fat that whenever she went to London in a red dress, 30 passengers would try to board her.
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You know you're getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don't know anyone who can see through it.
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I am definitely going to watch the Emmys this year! My makeup team is nominated for “Best Special Effects.”
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Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.
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