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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Joan Rivers
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Joan Rivers
Age: 81 †
Born: 1933
Born: June 8
Died: 2014
Died: September 4
Comedian
Film Actor
Film Director
Film Producer
Journalist
Screenwriter
Stage Actor
Television Actor
Television Personality
Brooklyn
New York
Joan Alexandra Molinsky
Years
Respect
Sleep
Easy
Melissa
Tell
Shreds
Mother
Ripped
Kids
Wake
Used
Daughter
Back
Birth
More quotes by Joan Rivers
If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
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My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
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I like my politicians and my judges and my lawyers to be simple. I think if you worry about where your hemline is you're really not concentrating on the world crisis.
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Comedy is truth. We should not apologize for it.
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There's always an adjective before my name, and it's never a nice one.
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I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
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The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
Joan Rivers
I have a million dollar figure ... but it's all loose change.
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I was my own buddy in camp.
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The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.
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Want to know why women don't blink during foreplay? Not enough time.
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Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
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Life goes by fast. Enjoy it. Calm down. It's all funny.
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In every human endeavor, persistence is everything.
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But you do have to learn, if you want to be a satirist, you can't be part of the party. Meaning, you can't go horseback riding with Jackie O in Central Park if you're going to make a joke about her that night.
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Sold my house in LA, packed myself up and moved to New York, not knowing anybody. Friends are very hard to make after a certain age.
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Since I met him ten years ago there hasn't been a day that I didn't think of George Burns. And I didn't think of him again today.
Joan Rivers
Every comedian is furious. Age makes me angry. I'm unhappy at not being able to open packages anymore. I'm angry that libraries have gone. I hate children on planes. I'm very shallow, so they tend to be little things. To be honest, I think I was probably angry the day I was born, you know, about diapers or something.
Joan Rivers
They almost had to cancel the Oscars tonight because all of the designers and stylists are still in line in San Francisco trying to marry one another.
Joan Rivers
A Mafia guy in Vegas gave me this advice: Run your own race, put on your blinders.
Joan Rivers